In this dance of rejection and connection called marriage, it is easy to see that when people have different ideas about commitment, they can have a lot of conflict. They can have opposing opinions about how close is „too close“ in their relationship.
The national assumption about us being independent individuals crashes as soon as we enter marriage and set about forming a new “WE.”
In that marriage (where two people differ on boundaries), there are several degrees of permissions about being near or distant. Those people with a secure attachment style can supply their need for individuation, but also switch to fulfilling their loved one’s needs for intimacy. On the other hand, those with an avoidant style would interact something like this:
● „I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others;
● I get anxious when people get too close to me;
● I often worry about someone getting too close to me;
● I would rather people didn’t depend on me.“
We can perceive that there is some insecurity there, insecurity that is causing conflict, pain, and numerous fights about whether or not the avoidant husband is passive aggressive to boot.
Where is this conversation going? Easy, the best way to keep a fixed distance with an intimate partner is using some of the techniques of passive aggression! In other words, avoidant attachment almost always maintains itself with passive aggression.
When an avoidant husband uses the passive aggressive, icy silence called “the cold shoulder,” what they are really doing is regulating the distance, telling the other person: “I’m not leaving you, but I’m in my cave, don’t get near me so I don’t get too scared of intimacy… the “WE” project goes into the fridge up until the moment I can reattach again.”
When he says nasty things, makes fun of others and pushes them around, what he’s doing is establishing boundaries so that the wife doesn’t get dangerously near. He hurts her before she can possibly hurt him.
Having an avoidant attachment marks a person for life, because he can’t ever trust completely the wife if she gets too near. What if she finally leaves him? What if he feels too dependent on her and so has to be too worried about his own survival without her? Better to detach constantly from the other with passive aggression!
Now, we understand this passive aggressive marriage dance. He withdraws, she chases, he withdraws even more in fear. So, can this dance be corrected, the steps and tempo substituted for something else?
If he’s performing some dance is the name of love (keeping her with him), certainly the name of love demands that he perform the right dance correctly. This can happen if he learns to change the behaviors that are causing pain, conflict and hardship between him and his wife.
He can start doing that immediately with the right passive aggressive guide, available at Passive Aggressive System.
