Summary: Numerous partners try to bond with candles, wine or lingerie, only to discover their time together feeling flat, empty and passionless. In the following paragraphs, discover what truly creates bonding, intimacy and passion with your partner.
A journalist interviewed me concerning intimacy in relationships. One of her questions was, “What are some of the simple ways by which husband and wife can bond – without candles and wine and expensive lingerie?”
Easy ways? Well, it depends on what you mean by easy!
Bonding has nothing to do with candles, wine and pricey lingerie. It has to do with INTENT. In any given moment, we are in one of two feasible intents:
The intent to have control over getting love and avoiding pain
The intent to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others
Practically all of us have learned many ways of attempting to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. We learned these protective behaviors when we were children, and as adults, we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviors, like anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most individuals, these protective, controlling behaviors have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear is triggered, we immediately protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in. In relationships, the fears of rejection and engulfment – of losing the other or losing ourselves – usually underlie our protective behavior.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with one another. No matter how much time they spend together with candles, wine or pricey lingerie, the connection will not be there when one or both are closed and protected. Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much pain. Our intent to control brings about the very things we’re attempting to avoid with our controlling behavior.
Our own intent is the one thing we do have control over. We don’t have control over another’s intent to be open and loving, but we do have control over our own intent to be open to learning about what it means to be loving ourselves and to others. Nevertheless, it takes both people being in the intent to learn for partners to emotionally bond.
If both are open to learning, then they will be emotionally available to one another and can bond with a touch, a smile, or perhaps a kind word. Bonding has to do with the energy between them, not with anything external such as candles, and the energy comes from their intent. A controlling intent creates a heavy, dark, hard, closed-hearted energy, whilst the open-to-learning intent creates a light, soft, open-hearted energy.
The huge challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. Since we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behavior in the face of fear, being open to learning needs to be a conscious decision. Establishing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is having the ability to choose your intent every single moment, even in the face of fear.
When relationship partners are both able to dependably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish. Then candles, vacations, and lingerie can enhance their experience with each other – the icing on the cake.
Simple ways to bond? Staying conscious and open to learning is not easy! The concept is simple, but doing it is far from easy. Yet dedicating yourself to learning to stay open to learning in the face of fear may be the most satisfying and rewarding experience in your life!
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